Meditating Aloud

Good morning, everybody. Happy Sunday-is-the-last-day-of-the-week-so-this-post-isn’t-late (editor’s note: it still is late, at least in being posted). I’ve been having a hectic week, as both this weekend and last I’ve been out of town, so I haven’t made time to sleep or create a blog post. I’m at the Sister Song Let’s Talk About Sex Conference in New Orleans right now, and it’s been an empowering space to reconsider who I am and what I do and what for. While I was here, I bought an agate (you can read the benefits – in a few words, it’s very focused on the self, which I need) necklace, and I was going to meditate with it this morning, but instead…I’ll meditate with y’all.

I want clarity for myself. I want peace behind me, in front of me, within me and outside me. I want to make space for myself to grieve what is newly lost, and space to welcome in everything new that lies in store. I want to feel full within myself, and realize that I am all I need. All I need is always going to be right in the room with me and even when it’s not, my voice is enough to ask for it. My intuition is strong enough to know what’s missing. I am accepting what other people can provide and learning that I have the power to choose who and what I let in – proximity isn’t a reason for closeness anymore, especially because outside of college, finding friends doesn’t mean simply walking into a room and finding a kindred spirit there. I want to give myself space to be hurt and recognize all the ways my life is in transition and give myself so much grace through that because it isn’t easy – it never is – but I’m doing it, everyday, so well.

I’m listening to my body now more than ever. I would write about how intuition is replacing words for me, but my superpower is being able to put those deep knowings into words. I’m hearing my body more and more and realizing that it doesn’t have to be juxtaposed to my knowledge. That internal wisdom is a form of knowledge. And I don’t need to justify myself so much for others. I crave being understood so badly, and having to explain one’s self so often is exhausting and unnecessary.

Although I feel like there isn’t enough self-care in the world to heal right now, I’m doing such a good job and I need to give myself credit for it. Therapy, eating well, exercising, sleeping as much as possible, baths, honesty, removing myself from situations I don’t want to be in, sizing people up better…all these things, I’m doing. And it doesn’t feel good, but I know it’s good for me. I feel like this phase in my life is a bubble swelling and swelling and once it pops, all of its goodness will spread out. But internally, I often feel swollen. My sadness is a swelling balloon, reaching across my abdomen and being filled with all the details of what hurts. My self-care is a balloon, swelling across my time and filling with all the practices I’m learning. And I am a balloon, a bubble, Bubbles, swelling up with all the knowledge I’m taking in, growing so much more every day. But I won’t pop.

I’m learning a lot about divination processes. Without something, anything, to feel whole, I feel like a shard of glass and I don’t want that. So I’m trying to learn about crystals, natal charts, candles, baths, breathing, meditating, all the (free) workshops, all the things, so that in time I pick and choose what feels good for me. I want to turn all of my attention on myself, because I so often lose myself in my day-to-day practices, and I don’t acknowledge my self until I feel all spent up.

I encourage you to take care of yourself in whatever ways feel good, and let yourself grow and swell. Thanks for doing this with me.

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