Author: allisonalcena

Throughout this year, I’d tell my therapist, “I feel lost.” And she’d often respond, “You’re not lost. You’re stuck.” 2024 took everything I was scared of, everything I’d been putting off, everything I’d been questioning and brought it to the forefront. I didn’t have space to hide from myself this year. And I’ve often thought, what’s the difference between lost and stuck? Lost is not knowing at all. Stuck is not knowing what to do.

I turn 30 in less than 2 months. I have never, not once in my life before this year, pictured 30 in a real way. When we’d talk about who we want to be when we grow up, I sincerely thought 24 was the pinnacle of adulthood. But now that I’m on my 30’s doorstep, shoveling the last of the dirt into my 20s grave, I have to ask myself who I want to be in this world, how I want to feel about myself and scariest of all, what is preventing me from being those things. I’ve spoken on my YouTube channel and here about creating a life for myself in my early-to-mid 20s that was not what I wanted. And proceeded to do it again. I’ve been in denial over the fact that I may have in fact done it again. Third time’s a charm, maybe? Something interesting has come up this year, though. What if that fumbling, not needing to have it all together feeling I hate is just…the process? And I’m bound to keep making the same mistakes if I don’t finally step back and break that pattern. 

In everything being revealed to me all at once this year, I’ve had to interrogate the many roots of why I feel the need to be stable. What was missing in my upbringing that makes me cling to unhealthy situations if it means externally, I seem to have it all? (Like, when I tell you I have not known peace this year, I’m not kidding) At one point do I accept that I’m not getting evicted, my car repoed, all of that? At one point do I stop allowing capitalism’s threat of poverty to beat me into overdrive/submission? Y’all.

On the bright side, I haven’t allowed fear to stop me from pursuing what I want to. Sure, I’ve taken missteps but the beautiful thing I’m learning is I’m not running out of chances. I’ve started to really invest time into my hobbies (I’ve read 36 books in 2024, 21 of which are from the library). I’ve set tight boundaries on my time and energy. I’m finally pursuing dreams I almost forgot about. As someone who loves stories, I think I fall victim to feeling as though there are but so many pages. Chapters need a tight beginning, middle and end. This year, difficult as it’s been, I’ve learned when to recognize and accept the feeling, this isn’t serving me any longer. There is no binding contract to be signed on any relationship, circumstance or condition in my life that prevents me from changing at a moment’s notice. 

In watching old YouTube videos and reading blog posts to reflect for this post, I also realize that at my core, I haven’t changed much. My goals haven’t, at least. They’ve just taken a lot longer than I anticipated. And in dancing around them, I’m that much more excited to really go after them. On the flip side, I really, really need to let some dreams die. I’ve been forcing a round peg into a square hole for almost five years. Like I said before, I’m going to keep making the same mistake over and over until I stop the pattern. So I’ll add that to my 2025 list of resolutions.

I don’t want to leave y’all with some platitude like, “I’m okay, through it all,” or something like that. I’m not tbh lol. But! I am excited for what the future holds. Yes, time isn’t real and all that but I don’t know. 30 seems like it’ll be sweet. 

For the longest time, I wrestled with my desire to be okay. Not successful, not happy, not fulfilled. But to simply feel okay. In a lot of ways, I had met the traditional, external markers of success. I had my own apartment, I had just started my teaching career, I had a prestigious education, I was financially independent and comfortable, and I was (am) a good person. But for the longest time, I knew that something wasn’t right.

Feel free to peruse any blog post on this website and you’ll see mentions of my mental health, trying to grapple with mental illnesses and what they meant for my personality. Shit, my worth. In some ways, I felt like my desire to conquer my mental health had propelled me to some of my bigger accomplishments. I was able to prove that I could be, in spite of. But two things happened. First, I realized I no longer wanted the life that I had created. And after I created a newer life for myself, I realized that I had done the same thing again. Something changed the second time around though. I knew I wasn’t okay. 

Every few weeks, my body was developing a new ailment. In the span of 18 months, I had over 20 prescriptions. My whole view of myself changed when I wasn’t able to shower standing up, and at certain points, wasn’t able to keep food down. I wasn’t able to work for three months last school year. And after countless specialist appointments and urgent care visits, I learned that my body is actually pretty stereotypically healthy (what?). My body was screaming at me that I wasn’t okay, despite what a test might say. I had to make changes. I had to finally accept that no amount of willpower could make impossible situations work for me.

So what did I do? I sought help in the form of therapy and medication. I accepted my reality as someone who will always have mental illnesses. The hardest part of the journey was that however much I wanted to prove things to myself, I had to recognize when something wasn’t for me. In this case, it was teaching. I fought with myself every day in 2022 to stay a teacher. I cried over my students and their families, cried over my anxiety attacks thinking of them, cried over working six if not seven days a week, cried over my body withering away from the stress of it all, cried when New Years 2023 hit and I felt I was in the same place I started. And through the tears, I made a plan to leave.

I had to recommit to myself and realize that if I want the most out of this life, I have to accept the ebbs and flows. I have to accept that no amount of incense, meditation or rationalization will make the impossible possible. No, sis, you cannot change him, them, or the situation. I have to take care of myself for who I am, not who I want myself to be. After struggling through my early 20s and dreaming of the position I wanted to be in, I had to accept that maybe, things don’t always go according to plan. Maybe, that diversion is for the best. Sometimes, the best self-care is to be flexible. So now, I work from home. I can lay down when I don’t feel well. I exercise as best I’m able to. I talk to my loved ones and also keep some thoughts sacred for myself. And most of all, I recognize that I’m in process and will forever be. There is no “arrival.” Just continuous goals, milestones, and yes, challenges. But in the end, accepting the challenges was the most important part of all.[Image description: Allison is wearing a maroon matching sweatsuit. They are posed in a mirror selfie with a peace sign up. Tattoos show around their wrists.]

It’s been a long time since I shared here. Of course I’ve been writing for myself over the last two years, but in that same time, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say to all of you. I fell in love with YouTube, but by the time I started teaching in the fall of 2020, I even fell off there. I drifted away from many of the things that brought me joy and focused primarily on surviving. And really, can you blame me? During a time filled with so much loss and uncertainty, simply getting by is taking all of my energy, and then some.

I missed you, though. So much has changed since I stopped posting regularly, and especially in the four and a half years since I created this site. My early twenties are forever immortalized here (for better or worse). My mid-twenties? Largely absent. But as I tip-toe into my late-twenties, I’m again reminded of what remains constant. Writing has always been that thing for me, especially when so much else is fluid.

While I still don’t know what I want to say, I simply want to be here, using this beautiful space I created. Welcome, or welcome back.

I want to start off this interview by wishing everyone a happy New Year. For many people I know both digitally and otherwise, 2019 was a year of deep hardship, transformation and learning. Through the struggles that I faced last year, one thing I learned is that there’s no time like the present to dive head-first into whatever I want. There is no “perfect time” to do anything, so why wait? For the past year, year and a half, I’ve toyed with different ways to center other Black and brown folks besides myself on this website. Each of my friends do amazing work, be it professionally, spiritually, through self-education and other avenues. Over the course of 2020, I will be sharing interviews that I’ve conducted both to showcase the brilliant work of others, and to expand my skill set as a writer. 

Who better to start with than Lydia? Lydia Koku is someone who has taught me, pushed me, and truly demonstrated what I can only describe as magic. Lydia is a teacher, a fighter and for real a blessing. I am honored to call them my friend and to share their business with you all, Ashawo Witch Healing Services. With such a hard year under our belts, the work of a diviner such as Lydia can be helpful in making sense of our experiences and beginning the healing process. In offering their services, Lydia is mindful of the particular needs of Black folks and how divination spaces and services often lack an intersectional lens. I can say from my own work with Lydia that their consultation was informative, accurate and generative. We were able to discuss what was challenging while remaining mindful of my unique strengths. Continue reading to learn more about how Lydia may be able to help you and how to connect with them.

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In your own words, what is your work and how did you get into it? What led you to create a business from it?
I run a mostly virtual, astrology-based business called “Ashawo Witch Healing Services.” My business is going to be 1 year old in March 2020. I provide sliding scale oracle card readings, shadow work classes, inner voice amplification exercises, birth chart readings, transit readings, numerology reports, and so on. I do readings through text, voice (phone call/video chat), and in person.

AWHS is all about revealing to people their inner strengths/karmic gifts and educate about how to heal patterns that no longer serve them. Though I offer my services to anybody who wants them, my demographic is queer hood niggas. I started this service for people like me, the black sheeps. The professional whores (ashawos). The witches (ajes). The gays. The hood niggas. The nonbinary bitches.  I also built AWHS to honor the imperfect victims and hurt people who hurt people. I have grown to understand that being a survivor and being a perpetrator are not mutually exclusive roles. WE ALL have the potential to be both. We all deserve to heal from those experiences and create new visions for ourselves.

As a diviner, I was called to start this service for two reasons. First, people get so caught up in fear of being called “toxic” that they avoid the work altogether.  I wanted to offer a compassionate space for Black folks interested in taking accountability for their own healing.

Second, there aren’t many opportunities for Black people across the diaspora to learn about intergenerational healing, especially without access to/desire to go to therapy. Shit, I learned about all of this work in college because I had opportunities to go to therapy, start my work, and explore my spiritual gifts. During college, I received lots of questions about how Black folks actually DO the everyday work of “breaking intergenerational curses” and “healing toxic traits.” These phrases carry a lot of weight in our community but I noticed that without literacy around healing, they don’t mean much.

“Un-schooling” is how I chose to address this issue; Bringing the knowledge that was deliberately hidden from us to light. Many Black people don’t know what ancestral healing practices are. Many of us don’t know what “shadows” are or how to identify the areas of our lives where we need healing. Many of us don’t know where to start or when to start “the work.” Many of us don’t even know we need healing or might benefit from it. Some of us don’t know this shit has been passed down over generations. I went through this process myself at the beginning my own spiritual awakening. Eventually, the more I learned and evolved, the more prepared I felt to work part-time as a guide and rootworker.

AWHS is not an alternative to Western therapy and it is not therapy. It is divination, rootwork, and transformative justice combined. AWHS recognizes the colonialism of Western and non-Western belief systems — Anything associated with Christianity will have oppressive belief systems like homophobia, racism, misogynoir etc. attached to them too. I am not interested in being a traditional therapist. I turn the divination community on its head, combining systems that reveal more information put together than they can possibly hide. I wanted to see what Black folks’ healing could look like when the practice itself is intersectional. 

 

What are some of the challenges and misconceptions about what you do?
The biggest challenge has been the “un-schooling” part of the work — teaching people about reading astrology birth charts (traditional, sidereal, draconic) for divination and healing purposes. Social media has increased folks’ awareness of modern astrology but most people don’t know just HOW MUCH insight they can get with a diviner reading their chart. Most people don’t know how DEEP astrology goes. However, because more people are familiar with traditional astrology I end up using the traditional system for most of my readings though I rely on sidereal and draconic astrology myself. In order to increase clientele for sidereal and draconic services, I have to do more educational classes around astrology in GENERAL, which reduces time for the actual healing work. Figuring out how to balance giving enough background info with spending time on relevant exercises is a big part of the work I do with clients. I try to meet people where they’re at, taking time to gear each reading or class to my client’s individual needs and wants. I didn’t realize how much pedagogy would be involved in my business work, so my Education degree definitely helps!

More generally, stigma/distrust around lightwork and astrology provides another challenge. When I initially started my business, haters and skeptics would troll me in my DMs, trying to debate whether or not astrology is real, whether or not shadow work is therapy, whether or not my work is accurate, etc. Over time, I became less and less interested in arguing with people and feeling like I had to defend not only my business but also my practice. I did my own shadow work around this and adopted a simpler perspective. My ancestors reminded me to protect myself and my energy above all. I am not here to justify, but I am here to build trusting relationships between myself and clients. I addressed this challenge of stigma and distrust by being open to questions, providing ample Q+A time during readings, and reiterating that every service is voluntary and no work will be done without client consent.

Accuracy with oracle card readings is a challenge I am blessed to not worry about as my abilities were confirmed and I became a diviner. I think about my readings as messages from spirit guides and ancestors. Messages for specific individuals always resonate for them and I don’t do card readings for collectives.

What has the process been like to create an online business as a young Black person? How do you develop your courses?
Creating an online service has helped me clarify what I want from my life. I like having the flexibility to design my own schedule and work within my own mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. I like working for myself…I even prefer it. It’s important to me that everything I do aligns with my beliefs. I didn’t get that experience in college or in grad school, but I received it through constructing Ashawo Witch Healing Services.

I don’t work my business full-time on purpose. I am a hustler and work two other jobs in addition to this one. My intention in starting the business was not to create a FT occupation of it just yet. I wanted to help other young Black folks like me through their healing processes. I wanted to put my divination and mediation gifts to work without relying on my gifts as my primary source of income. Doing readings takes a LOT of spiritual and emotional energy. Especially because I’m still working through my own shit and developing professional boundaries, doing my business 15-20 hours/week is more feasible for me right now. My prices are also purposefully low and advertising works through social media because the intention for the business was to increase Black folks’ access to these services. My prices are based on affordability, not on my skill. I had to learn how to weigh these decisions very early on in my business. If I were to rely on my business for primary income, I would have to raise my prices and thus work more within the capitalist system than push against it…which is counterintuitive to my purpose.

Related to the day-to-day operations of my service, I spend a lot of time developing content and perfecting my craft. I am working on re-branding my social media sites at the moment.

Every class, exercise, reading, etc. I provide is original and takes not only intuitive ability but also psych knowledge! My day job as a medical case manager helps, as I use counseling skills all day, every day, that help me in my business capacity. My shadow work exercises all come from a book I am writing on Black diasporic trauma and healing. I plan to publish the book by the end of 2020, beginning of 2021. I include every exercise given to a client in my book and sometimes use exercises from my book to support a client. For example, I might consult my chapter on “Mental Health Socialization” for exercises on healing shame around asking for help. I might insert an exercise I created for a client dealing with sexual shame into my chapter on “Sex Magick for Survivors.” Creating all content for my service definitely helps me explore my creativity while using my divination skills. Before AND after I write down anything for any reading, any class, any exercise, I meditate on the subject at hand and clear my own energy.

How does your academic background in psychology inform this spiritual approach to healing? How does astrology connect to shadow work – or how are these forms of healing connected?
I studied psychology in school but I am not a psychologist. Psychology helps me in my business not as a MEANS through which I heal, but as GUIDANCE for content and counseling. I use the psychology I learned specifically for theory, clinical skills, and to help me protect my own boundaries in this work. I am not a therapist (yet) and what I do is not traditional, sit-down, 50-minute therapy. I do not diagnose. I am a guide and use spirit, intuition, and mediumship to retrieve and communicate information.

I also use psychology for content creation, especially for online advertisements of my work. I learned about concepts like attachment, triggering, shadows, and inner child work through experiences in traditional and non-traditional psych classes. I also learned about inner child healing from Maryam Hasnaa as a student in her New Earth Mystery School. Like Hasnaa’s work, my own psych knowledge comes to play most frequently when I’m doing shadow work or inner voice amplification classes/exercises. It is important to know what the research says too. The research I’ve read helps me decide which issues / patterns to address. I needed to know and understand the traits of a narcissist before I could work with narcissists and survivors of narcissistic relationships. I needed to learn the signs of manipulation before working with clients around healing from emotional abuse. This knowledge base took years to build and won’t be over, ever. I keep up to date with what’s going on in the psychology and education academic communities though I may not rely on their praxes all the time.

ASTROLOGY is related to shadow work in that your DOB [date of birth], time of birth, and location of birth can tell astrologers what patterns people have that may be toxic and HOW these patterns manifest. I ask clients seeking shadow work help to provide their DOB, time, and location if they do not already have a pattern in mind they want to work on. The positioning of planets Pluto and Saturn and houses 7th, 8th, and 12th specifically help me identify what shadow work needs to be done. Transit charts are useful to read if people have specific questions about patterns to be addressed during a specific TIME period. For example, if I want to create shadow work exercises for someone going through their Saturn Return at age 29, I would look at the placement of Pluto, Saturn, 7H, 8H, and 12H in their own Saturn Return transit chart. I then create original exercises using a combination of what I see revealed in the chart, knowledge from psych classes, and what ancestors tell me during my meditations.

In thinking about who is allowed to heal and why, what is the importance of intergenerational collaboration?
Whew, we could have a whole 2 hour long convo on this question alone. Honestly, because Black folks’ pain is so systemic and most OFTEN intergenerational, we need our elders to participate in the un-schooling. What we know about trauma, pain, love, and healing most often comes from them…  Think about our parents’ generation and that of our grandparents’. Who are you to them? VS. Who are they to you? When you think about what has been passed down in your lineage, what traumas repeat themselves? In my family, it has been the cycle of incarceration and violence. What gifts have been passed down? In my family, it’s been the gift of teaching. What did you learn about appropriate ways to express yourself? What did you learn about inappropriate ways to express yourself?

This work is especially important for people who are black sheeps in their families, who feel like their identities aren’t respected or loved by family. We need to learn that we aren’t unloveable for being authentic about who we are. The ROOTWORK of intergenerational trauma is just as much about accountability as it is about tracing patterns back to their systemic origins (colonialism, capitalism, slavery, genocide, etc). What patterns are possible to break on the most interpersonal level? What patterns will probably not end with you? How can I talk to my children about these patterns? How can I un-school them? How can I love my people better? How can I love me better? How do I survive today? These are some of the questions I explore with clients doing intergenerational work. One of the most important things I learned while I was in academia was that socialization is bidirectional. Just as elders can teach young people the hows and whys and model behavior, they need the same modeling. I am working on how to do lightwork in group circles of people from all ages.

What has been some of the feedback you’ve gotten from clients? What sort of impact does the work have on both your clients and you?
I love feedback and reviews 🙂 The most common threads of feedback note that my readings are very accurate and thorough. You’ll get a LOT of information for a LOW price. My clients see me as intuitive, gifted, insightful, etc. The best comment I ever got was from a friend who said, “Hood niggas need this jawn sometimes.” Hearing someone from my demographic tell me the work was helpful… was amazing. That’s all I ever wanted… for hood niggas to have a compassionate space to heal.
How do you preserve/maintain your boundaries when taking on so much of other people’s stories and emotions?
I don’t offer services when I don’t feel my best self. If I’m not in alignment, if I don’t have the mental or emotional clarity to do this work, there’s no point. I don’t do this to drain myself. I do this work to help. Knowing that my business is not an obligation but a gift and a choice helps relieve any weight that I attach to my work. I am doing this only because I want to…there’s freedom in that. I don’t feel guilty for taking time off or delaying a reading because I am depressed. Many clients understand and want the most accurate read anyway.

I cleanse myself before and after every reading and cleanse every object I use.

I also commit to keeping my business a PART-TIME job until and if I decide to go full-time.

If you could talk to all the Black people in the world for 1 minute, what would you say? What is your mission?
“If no one told you they love you today, just know that I do. I love you.” That’s what I would say.
How can people contact you and follow your work?
Y’all can reach me on Instagram and Twitter: @ashawowitch.

 

 

Image Description: A list of Lydia’s prices and services.

Before I went away for college in 2013, the most time I’d spent away from my grandpa was probably a week. And between 2013 and 2018, maybe it had been a few months at a time. This year, I kept planning a trip home but for reasons outside of my control, those plans fell through over and over again, until finally I went back almost against my will. I had bottomed out and felt that going home to New York, free from work, responsibility, and worry would soothe my mental and physical health in all the ways I needed. I had finally learned to accept help when it was being offered.

Those short weeks in New York would be the last time I spent with my grandpa after nearly a full year apart. I was home for three weeks, and he died three weeks after I left. The night before I drove back to Asheville, he remarked at how I was leaving so soon. I told him I’d see him at Christmas – it was only a few weeks away. And I was so incredibly sure I’d see him then. During the previous three weeks, I’d sit in my temporary room and think, “Why am I here when I could be home in Asheville?” Now I know that was why. I needed to make up for lost time with him.

Grief and I are familiar with one another. We can count on each other’s inevitable return to our lives, however much time passes between visits. This time, grief’s visit has been more of a residency. I’ve lost people before and each time been molded by their absence. But none have felt quite like this.

I’ve been transparent on this website about my struggles with my mental health and being far from home. I’ve been transparent with those close to me in saying this year has by far been the worst I have ever experienced. In the weeks since my grandfather’s passing, as grief clouds logic and sorrow feels permanent, I wonder if I jinxed myself in saying, month to month, “this year cannot get any worse” until it did.

As I wade through the beginnings of a life forever changed, I’ve been remarking on how much I learned from my grandfather. How fortunate I am to have known him and to have had that much time with him. How much I resemble him. How grief offers the ashes from which we may rise and although this newfound absence is permanent, grief may change us for the better. After a year spent spiraling, it seems I may be finally coming back up for some air.

This grief is not a positive by any means, not a welcomed celebration. But the balm on the wound is in knowing that my grandpa was at peace and ready, and that I am undoubtedly a better person for knowing him. I can honor his presence everyday by living as full a life as he did. As soon as I got off the phone with my mom that morning, I had the clarity I had been grasping for throughout the year.

The grief I’ve felt in 2019 has been consuming. Grieving for past selves. Grieving over changes. Grieving over hurt. Grieving over worry. Grieving over uncertainty. Grieving over lost dreams. Grieving over death. And many times this year I’ve thought of that grief simply: you either move forward or you don’t. This year has taught me how to ask for help, how to accept my vulnerability, and what I truly cherish in this life.

Grief centers us in this way. When we lose what is most dear to us, we mourn what is lost and appreciate all that remains.

 

[Image descriptions: Allison’s grandfather young in his Marine uniform. Allison is a toddler being held by their grandpa.]

 

 

by Allison Alcéna

[Image description: Allison’s profile is reflected between bathroom mirrors. They are pumping lotion into their hand.]

“For me, beauty and personal care are a way of customizing my body. You can see from all my tattoos and piercings and hairstyles that I’m very into changing how I look. So I guess in a way for me, my body is the first story I tell people. Who’s the character I want to be you know?

I started reading and writing very young. My mom really pushed us to learn to read and write early. I think my first notebook was at 4 and my first stories were at 6 or 7. Since then, writing has kind of been a place for me to make sense of my world. I toyed with different kinds of writing I wanted to do – fashion, journalism, academic research, children’s books, blogging – and haven’t landed any place yet. I just want to write and do everything. And more and more I’m moving in the direction of writing myself, writing my own story down.

I went to college in Pennsylvania and of course studied English lit, and then moved to Asheville, North Carolina for my first job. I think being a fish out of water – a New Yorker in the South – has made me really have to interrogate, okay, ‘who do I want to be today?’ That lonely feeling first being here had manifested into lots of hours at TJ Maxx buying skin and hair care and at Ulta or Wal-Mart for makeup. And I also just realized, ‘okay, maybe I don’t need to do my whole hair and makeup thing just to get some soy milk.’ Standards are different down here.

When I was growing up, there were six, sometimes more, people in my house. So the bathroom was usually the only alone time I’d get, and I’d really relish in every last detail – putting conditioner in my hair and combing it through, rubbing lotion into my body. I’ve definitely had a contentious relationship with my body, and I’m finally at a point where standing in the mirror naked feels okay, good even.

[Image description: Makeup and skincare products organized in clear containers on a bathroom counter.]

SKINCARE

I had very bad cystic acne until starting birth control, so I’ve had a pretty extensive skincare routine since I was like 13. Now, I try to lighten up the hyperpigmentation I have and prevent breakouts.

In the morning, I wash with Wal-Mart’s knockoff CeraVe foaming cleanser. Sometimes I use Shea Moisture Black Soap scrub if my face is feeling a little dull. Depending how I’m feeling, I’ll use a Formula 10.0.6 So Totally Clean pad to exfoliate. They have lactic and salicylic acid. Next, I use Acure Radically Rejuvenating Eye Cream on my under eyes and eyelids. I had another of their eye creams for monthsand I loved it. I love vitamin C, so I use Jason C-Effects Lotion. And then I finish up with Alba Botanica Sensitive Sunscreen. I’ve been using sunscreen on my face every single day since middle school, so I’m curious to see how I’ll look at 40.

At night, I take my makeup off with Yes to Cotton Micellar Water. I try to make some earth-friendly decisions everyday, so I use a little re-useable cotton pad from Dollar Tree instead of single use pads. Then I cleanse with Elizabeth Arden 2-in-1 Cleanser. It’s a little less mild than my morning cleanser. I do that 60 second rule where you really wash your face. It felt so long at first but now it does feel good to get all the gunk off my skin. And then I use the same exfoliating pads, eye cream and lotion as in the morning. And I finish off with a Global Beauty Care retinol face oil that I’m trying to get rid of. I used to use vitamin c and retinol serums for years and I like those way better than this oil.

My fiancé, Jeff, and I like to do a spa day once in a while, so we use a clay mask or little eye masks. It’s so hard not to laugh when we wear them! I have a lot of sheet masks but I hate them. I don’t really feel like they make a difference, since my skin is usually moisturized and I hate having them on for like 30 minutes. I got a pack of like 4 for $2 at Big Lots one time.  A lot of my skincare is from TJ Maxx or Marshall’s ‘cause I front like I’m an all natural bitch, and they have a lot of great brands for cheap.

[Image description: Allison is holding a bottle of retinol face oil.]

BODY

I have eczema and very dry skin, so I use stuff that will keep me soft. My fiancé and I are also both really into scent so we like to use scented things. Anything mountain, ocean or linen scented is our favorite. For the most part we share all our products. For me, it was nice to kind of have an excuse to start using ‘men’s’ products, and since then I’ve realized that makes me feel a lot more comfortable. I use Dove Men’s+ Care body wash in minerals-sage. It smells so good and leaves my skin nice and moisturized. For real, sometimes I don’t use lotion after and my skin doesn’t dry out. I shave with one of those Harry’s razor (I really just liked the orange color) and replace the blades every so often. Shaving cream seems too luxurious so I really just use body wash. I have to use shower puffs and sometimes a washcloth or exfoliating pad on my skin because it’s just so dry, I have to exfoliate.

Out of the shower, I use Shea Moisture Black Soap lotion. Jeff and I love Shea Moisture. Honestly, my favorite lotion is their raw shea, but I keep testing out other kinds. I need to just take my ass to Target and get the raw shea. To be honest with y’all, I’m stinky so I really have to use deodorant. I know a lot of people who don’t because they don’t sweat or smell. I do both. I don’t like using antiperspirant because I want my body to sweat as much as it wants – I just don’t want to smell. The best natural deodorant I’ve used is the Arm & Hammer Essentials. It’s so cheap and it works fairly well. Whenever I try something new, I regret it and bounce back to that one. And it’s got baking soda so it keeps my armpits from discoloring ‘cause I shave relatively often.

HAIRCARE

I have, like, two and a half inches of hair. My hair was down my back up until recently, and I really grappled with wanting to cut it. As far as, like, transitioning, having this big curly hair definitely felt like one last piece of femininity I was holding onto and scared to let go off. But I haven’t missed it once since I cut it. I think I kept it for so long because it seemed important to other people that I had long natural hair. I’ve cut my hair super short before and grew it out because I hated the negative feedback people felt entitled to give. So I like my hair a lot better now. Sometimes I forget it’s short though, and I’ll think I have to adjust a ponytail or something. I don’t want to grow it long ever again.

I wet my hair everyday in the shower to restyle it. It just doesn’t make sense to spray down my hair with a bottle to get it to curl back up after sleeping. I feel like I might as well just wet it in the shower. So I wet my hair and sometimes I brush through it. Sometimes I don’t because even when my hair was dumb long, it didn’t tangle much. So now it really doesn’t. I just do it for peace of mind, but it breaks up the curls in a way I don’t like.

So I wet my hair, then use Garnier Curl Nourish. It’s whatever – I just use the conditioner to soften my curls up and then it goes down the drain. I always try new conditioners. On days I’m washing my hair, I use Giovanni Clarifying Shampoo and then a Carol’s Daughter mask. I leave that in while I wash my face, and then rinse and put in my stylers. Right now I either use African Pride Olive Oil with Cantu curl activator, or I use the African Pride Curl Pudding and argan Eco. They don’t work interchangeably, surprisingly. It really is important to mix products on your hand to see if they’ll flake in your hair. So I use the former combo for softer, looser curls and the latter for something more defined. I towel dry gently, use Gorilla Snot on my edges if I feel like it, tousle it into place and that’s it. I also wear a lot more hats now. If I’m wearing a dad hat, I’ll spray some Jane Carter leave in just so my hair doesn’t dry out.

I’m testing out different styles and also trying to grow out dye, so I don’t cut my hair every two weeks like I used to. Lately it’s been like once a month. Jeff cuts it for me. I really like that bonding experience, especially now that’s he’s actually gotten good at cutting hair. I think I want to grow my hair into a taper cut like I used to have when I first cut my hair. It’s only this short right now because the dye jobs.

MAKEUP

I don’t wear much makeup, or at least it doesn’t look like it to other people. My mom is definitely a diva and she used to put eyeliner on to take me to school when she wasn’t even getting out the car. So it’s definitely in my head that I should have something on my face when I’m out the house. A lot of people, even people I’m close to, can’t tell I even wear makeup. I definitely like that Glossier or Milk look, that’s very much just about adding some color without covering. My mom used to get on me for not covering up my acne with makeup, so I’m very adamant still about not having a base. I’m only now into concealer. It’s taken me a while to be like, “Okay, this is my face.”

I basically do a variation of the same thing everyday. Eyebrows, mascara, bronzer, and/or blush and lips. That’s it. Maybe concealer if I just have a raging red pimple. And if I really just need to look a little more alive, I’ll do mascara and lipstick. I’m very specific about makeup. I think a lot of it is too sparkly, too Insta baddie. A friend of mine told me to shut up and just buy Glossier, but I don’t wanna spend the money.

So I start with either a clear or brown Rimmel brow gel. I tweeze my eyebrows and I’m trying to stop all the trimming and shaving. A few months ago, Andrea’s Choice on YouTube made a video about how to look good without makeup and talked about using greens. So I got a $1 green primer from LA Colors to cancel out any redness I get around my nose, to see if that trick worked. And it does! I use it maybe half the time I wear makeup. Then I’ll do bronzer, either Essence Matt bronzer for ‘darker skin’ (eye roll) or NYX Bright Idea stick in Bermuda Bronze.

For blush I either use Black Radiance in Toasted Almond or NYX Bright Idea in coral. I don’t usually do bronzer and blush together unless I’m really wanting to feel done up. I’ve been curling my eyelashes everyday since I was, god, like 14. I brush my eyebrows and curl my eyelashes almost everyday.  Supposedly it changes the direction your hairs grow so now my eyelashes grow straight up. I don’t care too much about mascara as long as it isn’t clumpy, ‘cause my eyelashes are long and black anyways. Right now, I’m using Wet n Wild Mega Protein…$2 maybe? Lastly, I put on lip color. I need lipstick. I look undead without it. To be honest, my lips are literally pink, but not pink enough. I really love NYX Powder Puff in Cool Intentions, because it doesn’t break my lips out. I use other colors sometimes like a red, but I really just love a good brown and NYX colors don’t make my lips break out. I used like two or three tubes of Dubai lip cream before I got into the Powder Puffs. I just got my first wig, so I got LA Girl in Fawn to conceal the part. I haven’t used it on my face just yet but I know it’s my color. I used to use it a few years ago. Oh, I also usually have my nails painted. Polishing my nails is like the one hour of self-care I give myself no matter what, so I try to do it. I used to never wear nail polish in college ‘cause it felt to femme, but fuck it. I literally dream last night I was giving myself a pedicure.

For me, wearing the same makeup look and hairstyle everyday is like a uniform. I know how I’m gonna look besides my outfit and that definitely quells anxieties I used to have about leaving my house and about my gender dysphoria. I’d literally sit in front of my closet and cry when I was 21, 22, because I didn’t feel like how I looked matched how I felt and I had so much other anxiety. Now I feel a lot more comfortable with being me, whether people think that’s plain or beautiful or stylish or boring. I don’t care. I like me. There’s hella privilege in how I look and that’s something I always try to be mindful of. There’s hundreds of lil mes all over social media getting lauded for being light skinned and thin and I don’t wanna disregard that. But yeah, I’m finally feeling okay in my skin.”

Allison Alcéna photographed by Jeff deLeón in Asheville June 13, 2019.

[Image description: Fireworks over a bridge]

 

It’s the beginning of a new year, which means your timelines are flooded with people talking about how they grew last year and are ready to be new people now, a week later. I’ve talked in the past about how I think most of us set ourselves up to fail this time of year by feeling like we *have to* radically overhaul who we are (am I cynical?). And lately, I’ve been thinking about why we feel the need to wait until January 1^stto change.

All of that said, I’m a hypocrite and I’m going to share with you a few things I learned in 2018, if only to commemorate that time has in fact passed. Last year handed me my ass and left my wig on backwards. Upside down even. Take these bite sized lessons as you may, but don’t get bogged down into thinking you must reflect and create resolutions for the next 360 or so days, only to do it all again. Change as you need to and take care of yourself always.

1. I don’t like being disrespected. I’m not sure people do, but I don’t take well to feeling like I’ve been wronged, and I’m rather quick to point it out. And that’s a strength.

 

2. Don’t settle for something certain out of fear of the unknown. That uncertainty is uncomfortable but temporary and favorable to choosing something just because you already know what it is. I learned this through jobs but it’s definitely true for people and more. Uncertainty > mediocrity

 

3. I care very deeply about other people’s feelings to the point that I’m holding off on cutting ties or confronting people just to protect folks from me. And who does that serve? (Editor’s note: no one)

 

4. Being fully true to myself means sometimes doing things other people don’t support. That’s fine and that’s why we’re different people. But that also means knowing when to tune those folks out or let them go. People close to me recognize what is and isn’t their business.

 

5. There are no set benchmarks. Up until this year I’d had a very straight and narrow timeline in life – I wasn’t a late bloomer to anything to learn this lesson sooner. That being said, I can’t put things I want off because they’re “too soon” compared to others, or beat myself up over things not happening as quickly for me as they might for other people. (A trend here is to stop comparing myself)

 

6. A lot of – most of what we project onto others is indicative of how we see ourselves.

 

7. Past hurt may never go away. But the pain can change form. It’ll never be “okay” to be done wrong and looking back may never become pleasant, but in time I’ve created new coping mechanisms.

 

8. Joy is terrifying yet powerful. Before this year happiness was a fleeting thing – an emotion that passed like anything other. I’m happy now. There’s nothing I can do better. I learned happiness and perfection are opposites.

 

9. Kittens are beautiful and mysterious. Puppies are little terrors and should not be bought on sale.

 

10. Having pets is a weird time capsule. I wonder how many milestones these little babies will be there for. And it’s lovely coming home and having two creatures excited to see me.

 

11. Like joy, love isn’t perfection. But when it’s right, it’s very right. What I always wanted is actually happening and makes me realize that I know what’s best for myself and I can manifest it.

 

12. Breathing doesn’t make problems go away obviously, but learning how to breathe (yes, learning) makes things 100x smoother.

 

13. I don’t have control over almost anything in my life. The stuff I have control over is very small and the real test is how well I handle things.

 

14. A lot of the things I thought were personality traits or facts about myself were in fact symptoms of mental illness. I also do have flawed personality traits and they’re not going anywhere, as much as New Years culture may insist.

 

15. I am worthy of the things that I want and need.

 

16. Debt is wack and my spending habits are not as random as I may think. That being said though, learning to feel abundant and chiseling away at payments is a good feeling.

 

17. I’m finally getting to a point of being sure of myself, at least for now.

 

18. I need to dream more. Otherwise, what am I working towards? And yes, achieving dreams is work. But not bad work.

 

Which of these lessons resonated with you? Are there things you need to hold onto and practice a bit more? Although I think New Years is kind of a BS holiday (although my favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and I will fight anyone who argues with me on that), it’s worth reflecting on where you are and if you’re happy.

 

P.S. If in the New Year, any of your goals focus on losing weight or limiting your diet in some way because you feel forced to, please please please know that’s the diet industry trying to make you think you’re imperfect so they can make money off of you.

 

Okay, ttfn.

 

Image from austin.curbed.com via Google Images

[Image description: Allison’s pets February the Cat ™ and October the Dog ™ eat breakfast together]

Content: Depression, mental illness, sexual assault, emotional abuse mentions

This time a year ago, I got diagnosed with depression. While I always knew I had it, the diagnosis gave me a place to work from and eventually, something to claim and calm me during an episode. Rather than being consumed by my symptoms and situations, it gave me something to name and thus, shake – “I’m depressed right now.” And I’d like to revisit this past year since getting the diagnosis and how I’ve felt worse in the process of feeling better.

At the moment, I’m currently dealing with the full cocktail of my mental illnesses. Since being diagnosed with depression last October, I found out I have two more mental illnesses, bringing the grand total up to four: the most recent being PTSD. I like to think of my mental illnesses as a cocktail because they feed off of each other in such an intoxicating way. What’s a depressive episode without a few panic attacks brought on by PTSD flashbacks? It’s like a margarita – tequila, salt or sugar (I prefer sugar), and…whatever else goes into a margarita. It all comes together in one delicious, potent, black hole of a feeling. Being intoxicated feels akin to being in a depressionanxietyeatingdisorderPTSD episode; watching my behavior, hearing my reckless thoughts, wishing it would end and I’d wake up sober and neurotypical the next day, while simultaneously kind of enjoying the lack of control, initiative and responsibility.

In my depression post, I mentioned that it felt like anxiety was an arm off of my depression. Instead, this year and truly the last few weeks, have taught me that my mental illnesses are really offshoots of a few traumatic events. Yes, there’s some genetic predisposition there, but I can pinpoint probably four to six major life events that have prompted all of this – all of which happened before I turned seventeen. And so the last few weeks have been a bender in remembering all the trauma of my youth and playing tic-tac-toe to connect that to the horrible things I’ve said, done and experienced in my very short adulthood. Experiencing all of that and trying to make sense of it once wasn’t enough. Nope, I’m currently reliving the last six years of my life on repeat, every second I’m awake. So I sleep more.

My partner and I recently moved in together (which I’ve very grateful for), so he’s had front row tickets to this circus. And his theory is everything is fine right now. For the first time, like, ever. I’m safe. I have a job I love. I have an apartment I love. I’m dating and cohabitating with the person I love. I have not just a kitten, but also a puppy. I have friends near and far. My relationship with my family looks how I want it to. I somehow survived college long enough to get a degree, so of course I’m reliving trauma because at this present moment, October 27, 2018, I’m fine. I’m not simply surviving or struggling through anything. And so my sick mind is able to dwell on what made it sick to begin with, since it’s not busy fighting any competing thoughts.

Since quitting my old job, I’ve been working as a case manager at a rape crisis center, providing me with a vocabulary to describe my past. I was already unwell from the stress of such a big transition, and that coupled with this learning made me spiral out of control. I was going to work everyday and learning the different ways people get help and heal from something I had tried to figure out alone for so long. I remember the initial horror I experienced from learning the definition of “emotional abuse” a few months out of that relationship. This recent learning was like that, but amplified, since I didn’t have papers, friends, or the big question mark of my future to keep me distracted. I’ve had to reconcile with the fact that a trigger for my mental illnesses is that one particular relationship, and it was the origin of at least two of them. In my depression post, I said it felt like the ultimate act of vulnerability to say someone can trigger a depressive episode. So imagine me realizing that someone who I deleted out of my life is still keeping me up at night with nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks.

Now, I’ll be honest with you. I always try to be. I’ve been in therapy since 2014. Self-care, self-diagnosis, self-harm, I’ve tried to cope. And this most recent time, getting better felt like a Sisyphean or Promethean task. I still feel like shit after five therapists, a regular gym schedule, healthy eating, weekly baths, journaling, writing up my feelings for the internet, crying to friends for hours, sleeping twelve hours straight, credit card debt from retail therapy and anything else I thought would make me feel better. Why bother?

I can’t tell you why I still do. But I will say that I quit therapy today (I put my Talkspace subscription on hold for a month), to see if I’ll actually use that money or time to take care of myself in real ways. It’s gotten to a point I can say therapy is my ~self-care~ and simultaneously understand I’m not caring for myself at all. And if Jeff’s right and everything’s fine, I might as well try to enjoy that. Or accept that. The terrifying thing about being mentally ill is I tell myself that my episodes are normal for me. And so I don’t want to be one of those people who can only function in chaos and as such, create unnecessary problems for themselves.

So I’m giving myself a month. No excuses. My free time is for self-care. And yes, going to the dentist, doing laundry, cleaning, saving money, and changing the cat litter all count as self-care. So do facials and yoga classes. So does ASMR and listening to Anthony Hamilton. I don’t know why I’m trying but for now, why not?

[Image description: Allison is taking a selfie wearing a UNC Asheville shirt. They have on clear glasses]

At what point do we stop living out other people’s expectations for us and actually listen to our own wants?

Well, everyone, the other shoe fell. The TL;DR version of this blog post is, “I spent 2018 planning to move. Nothing worked. I thought I found something that worked (I knew it wouldn’t) and I was so tired that I stuck to it. And lo and behold, it didn’t work, so I found something that did.” Laying out the pieces step by step make this journey sound a lot more logistical and apathetic than it really was. I’ll add that I didn’t quit until I had another job offer. And although I intentionally made a clickbait title, ~more than the destination, I’d like to emphasize the journey~.

The decision to quit came from two main sources.

1. I wasn’t making enough to live off of. And that’s including the fact my rent was covered by my employer. Rent wasn’t the only bill I had beforehand and my paycheck didn’t cover the rest of my bills, let alone uh, groceries, gas for my car, or if I ever needed to fly home. So my options were either to get a third job (and really, I wanted my second job to be more of an educational experience than a job I relied on for income), or quit and find something that paid enough.
2. I graduated college and immediately went to work at a university. Nearly a year and a half after college, I still felt like a quasi college student, wanting to prove to staff I was an adult while banking on my relatability for my students.

By my first paycheck I realized this situation wasn’t going to work. I know work isn’t the end-all-be-all for who we are. Neither is income. But because I was working two jobs and still not making ends meet, I couldn’t help but feel down on myself. I questioned the promise my Swarthmore degree offered me, quickly remembering that this $250,000 degree (that my family and I didn’t pay much for) wouldn’t guarantee financial stability to someone who didn’t have it to begin with. Ifreaked the hell out remembering all the ways my parents struggled when I was growing up and recognizing my own fear about being broke. Within a few days, I realized I couldn’t do it. And I’m privileged in knowing I didn’t have to. So I kind of had no choice but to quit, but then I had mental hurdles to get through.

As I mentioned, I went from being a college student to being university staff in like, three months last year. And the initial reason I took my first job at a university was because I hadn’t gone to grad school. As a Mellon Mays fellow in college (Google it), whose director called them the emissary of the program, I felt a deep amount of shame for not pursuing a PhD at an Ivy. I started out really wanting to be a professor, and by the end of my fellowship I wanted to run the other direction and thought I couldn’t. I loved myself enough to know I’d hate every second of grad school, but that didn’t change the fact that I wanted all my time spent researching in college to be worth something. I graduated feeling like I didn’t know how to hold down a “real” job, only how to research, and working in higher ed felt like the next best thing, since I disappointed everyone by not going to grad school. In knowing that I wanted to quit this job, I remembered why I didn’t pursue grad school: I’ve always wondered other ways I can do social justice work. Going to Swarthmore of all places led me to believe that higher education exists for the greater good, although I was always skeptical of how it presented elite education as the only place progress happens.

This whole journey of quitting taught me that:

A) No one pays attention to be like that. No one wakes up in the middle of the night thinking, “Allison is a goddamn failure.” And if they do, lol I hope they don’t talk to me.

B) The select group of people who do pay attention to me want what’s best for me. And that included the people I worked with. Doing what’s best for myself won’t disappoint the people who care about me.

C) Institutions are not designed to protect us. Once we leave, they’ll replace us. It’s hard to leave after building strong relationships, but if the relationships are that strong, the institution isn’t the only thing keeping them together. If folks are really invested in each other, they’ll stay in touch (which I learned is a big deal about leaving a job).

D) I have more control over my life than I realize. Throughout this process, I repeated Tracee Ellis Ross’s words: “My life is mine.” Ya, I spent a lot of this year feeling out of control but how much of that was me being afraid to push? I could’ve moved to Atlanta and found a job there – I had the money to. Or I could’ve quit my job sooner because I went into it knowing it wouldn’t work out. But I was so scared and felt like I had to execute what I was given rather than articulating what I wanted.

It took a month of secrecy for me to find a new job. All in all, I have to say this process was empowering although mentally exhausting. I never felt fully present and for several weeks, existed in this liminal space of having to be alert at work, waiting to hear back from interviewers, and being constantly stressed over not knowing what was about to happen to me. Everything worked out in my favor and I credit that to actually knowing what I wanted. I knew I wanted to live with my partner and had to shake the shame of that, I knew I wanted to pivot out of higher ed and do something else, and I knew I wasn’t ready to leave Asheville. In total I probably applied to 40-50 jobs in September and got interviews for 3. After I accepted an offer, it started to settle in that I was leaving the only place I’d worked, but I have to remind myself that I’m just at the beginning of my career. And most importantly, I’m excited to feel settled if only for a short while.

[Image description: Allison’s cat, February the Cat™, is laying between pillows and a stuffed dog. February is all black with green eyes.]

As 2018 begins to see itself out, it’s safe to say that this year has been full of profound instability; most of which was caused by what felt like a never-ending job search. I’ve spent much of this year learning the importance of what I do for money (and by “what,” I just mean…do I have money to live or not) and where I lay my head every night. Because my living arrangements and jobs were so heavily bound and causes of great anxiety, I kind of lost myself in all of that. I’ve been so heavily concerned with the day to day this year that I’ve lost sight of how a year ago, six months ago, three months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to picture myself as I am now. I spent so much time building up my collection of healthy habits that I’ve begun taking them for granted.

If I had a content schedule for this website, 2017’s theme would have been personal growth and 2018 is what the hell am I doing. I spent a great deal of last year wondering who I was, especially with my very salient identity of student taken away. And as life kept swinging on me, I stepped into my role of a whole-ass-person-with-needs somewhat reluctantly. I journaled. I got a therapist. I made infographics. I spent hundreds of dollars at TJ Maxx. I accepted being very far from my friends and family. I fell in love with my partner and learned what a healthy relationship is. I made budgets and kind of stuck to them. I took baths once a week and exercised. I accepted my impatience. Basically, I did a lot of self-work. And it’s not that I haven’tthis year, but I’ve felt like my emotional or mental needs come at the expense of time I could be using earning money somehow.

This weekend, I got fed up with the unhealthy cycle I was in. I took a step back and realized that I’m in my usual, unsustainable cycle of working nonstop and not even considering my emotional wellbeing. But then I realized, hold up. The fact I’m even able to check in with myself is a sign of growth.  Normally, the cycle is work, fill my free time with my partner, break down because I’m inundated with work and my partner, then rest for two days and get back on my bullshit. I can tell I’m growing because I know how to establish and communicate boundaries, and reassure myself that taking a pause is necessary. I know that keeping myself well fed makes me happy. Having a solid morning routine, especially one that involves meditation, makes me happy. I know that a clean house makes me happy. I know that my kitten makes me happy. And knowing what makes me happy is such an indicator of growth because until very recently, I wouldn’t have been able to do so.

This year, because such important pieces of my life have been up in the air, I’ve been focusing on getting all of that settled and thinking, once I do this thing, I can be happy afterwards. But I need to do this thing first. And that’s not healthy! And in fact, most thingsare settled! My biggest lesson from 2017 (I’ve probably said those exact words in every blog post and uh, don’t @ me) was that I’m a whole person. I’m a whole person with needs and wants and I’m the center of my universe. Everything and everyone else is peripheral to that. It’s a step further than the idea of not being able to pour from an empty cup. My responsibility is keeping my cup full because if nothing else, I pride myself on my ability to think clearly. And if I’m not prioritizing myself, I feel that ability to think start to diminish, spiraling into mental health flare ups.

I’ve been in survival mode for much of 2018 and through that, lost some of my connection to myself. I’ve made such massive strides in understanding myself in the last year and a half that sometimes I be forgetting I wasn’t always like this. And I need to give myself grace because even through all that work, I haven’t “arrived” yet. I might not ever. I’m proud of myself for honestly being well in 2018, even through some struggles. Even though I’m not happy every single day, I’m happy.