Lost?

Throughout this year, I’d tell my therapist, “I feel lost.” And she’d often respond, “You’re not lost. You’re stuck.” 2024 took everything I was scared of, everything I’d been putting off, everything I’d been questioning and brought it to the forefront. I didn’t have space to hide from myself this year. And I’ve often thought, what’s the difference between lost and stuck? Lost is not knowing at all. Stuck is not knowing what to do.

I turn 30 in less than 2 months. I have never, not once in my life before this year, pictured 30 in a real way. When we’d talk about who we want to be when we grow up, I sincerely thought 24 was the pinnacle of adulthood. But now that I’m on my 30’s doorstep, shoveling the last of the dirt into my 20s grave, I have to ask myself who I want to be in this world, how I want to feel about myself and scariest of all, what is preventing me from being those things. I’ve spoken on my YouTube channel and here about creating a life for myself in my early-to-mid 20s that was not what I wanted. And proceeded to do it again. I’ve been in denial over the fact that I may have in fact done it again. Third time’s a charm, maybe? Something interesting has come up this year, though. What if that fumbling, not needing to have it all together feeling I hate is just…the process? And I’m bound to keep making the same mistakes if I don’t finally step back and break that pattern. 

In everything being revealed to me all at once this year, I’ve had to interrogate the many roots of why I feel the need to be stable. What was missing in my upbringing that makes me cling to unhealthy situations if it means externally, I seem to have it all? (Like, when I tell you I have not known peace this year, I’m not kidding) At one point do I accept that I’m not getting evicted, my car repoed, all of that? At one point do I stop allowing capitalism’s threat of poverty to beat me into overdrive/submission? Y’all.

On the bright side, I haven’t allowed fear to stop me from pursuing what I want to. Sure, I’ve taken missteps but the beautiful thing I’m learning is I’m not running out of chances. I’ve started to really invest time into my hobbies (I’ve read 36 books in 2024, 21 of which are from the library). I’ve set tight boundaries on my time and energy. I’m finally pursuing dreams I almost forgot about. As someone who loves stories, I think I fall victim to feeling as though there are but so many pages. Chapters need a tight beginning, middle and end. This year, difficult as it’s been, I’ve learned when to recognize and accept the feeling, this isn’t serving me any longer. There is no binding contract to be signed on any relationship, circumstance or condition in my life that prevents me from changing at a moment’s notice. 

In watching old YouTube videos and reading blog posts to reflect for this post, I also realize that at my core, I haven’t changed much. My goals haven’t, at least. They’ve just taken a lot longer than I anticipated. And in dancing around them, I’m that much more excited to really go after them. On the flip side, I really, really need to let some dreams die. I’ve been forcing a round peg into a square hole for almost five years. Like I said before, I’m going to keep making the same mistake over and over until I stop the pattern. So I’ll add that to my 2025 list of resolutions.

I don’t want to leave y’all with some platitude like, “I’m okay, through it all,” or something like that. I’m not tbh lol. But! I am excited for what the future holds. Yes, time isn’t real and all that but I don’t know. 30 seems like it’ll be sweet.